Searching for Mrs. Welby

Last of the 3

My aunt died yesterday. I am named for her as well as my grandmother, her mother. I'm the last one of us. In the long tradition of Southern double names, I am the last of the three of us.

She's the probably one of the few I maintained an old fashioned paper and pen correspondence with. I just wanted her to always know I was thinking of her. And she would always write back.

I'm much sadder than I ever thought. It shouldn't have ended this way for her. Alone in a nursing home. With a husband who wouldn't allow her to spend time alone with her best friends when they came to visit her. He was always watching and listening. Just in case he heard what he already knew was true. I am angry at him. How can insecurity turn to cruelty?

Her friends were her lifeline. My mother (her sister) has always said I was switched at birth. That I am like my aunt. And conversely that my cousin is more like my mother. Probably true. My aunt was the queen of "the dialies." Always on the phone. You could never get her off the phone. Always wanting to be connecting and making plans to see people. Threw a great party. Rolled out the red carpet for visitors. Funny, sweet, and with a huge heart. Loyal to the end.

In so many ways, I'm actually happy for her. The last 10 years of the mere 70 that she lived were hell. Breast cancer, broken hip, pnemonia, tracheotomy, feeding tube, etc. It's amazing her will to live kept her this long.

I saw her last year at my great uncle's funeral. She had a walker but was happy to be there. Family was so important to her.

Her will to live, in my opinion, came from this nest she had built. Made of friends, family, and grandchildren. Always trying to be a true lady. Her parties were the best. Always the fine china, sterling and linen. Didn't matter if it was barbecue and beans or filet. A beautiful home that she worked hard to fill with laughter and love.

As the years have passed, I'm sure her home was empty. She shared it with an angry, jealous man. A man who ought to have died at least twice from heart failure but lives on in some awful twist of fate. Her physical body could no longer work to bring the love into her home. And it could no longer grow there.

Our extended family is no picture of emotional health. Not quite Faulkner but not exactly something to win an award. The funeral will be a mix of emotions. We will all smile and hug. I will try not to gag when I hear my uncle boast about how he was "there for her."

I remember my grandmother's funeral. My cousin and I left the house. She had a brand new driver's license and a pack of Marlboro Lights. We took off to the pond in the woods. Even then we knew so much was a facade. At least this generation we don't pretend as much. We love anyway despite the imperfect and flawed pieces. It's too exhausting to be so angry. That was 25 years ago.

Where will I be in 25 years? Buring my own mother? Living honestly? Building my nest of friends and family to protect me? Will my then 20 year old son be driving off to smoke because he knows the truth of things and can't bear to fake it?

Fake it till you make it. We make it when we return to love. And as hard as it is, with love comes forgiveness. Wednesday's funeral will be a hard time to work in some forgiveness for my uncle. For my aunt, I will try. She was loyal to the end. I will let her spirit guide me.

Be here now

Every single person on the planet and every single Consciousness in the Universe has the same experience of being here and having a desire to be there. In other words, it is the promise of this eternal Universe. You're always, always, always going to be on your way to something more - always. And when you relax and accept that, and stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you're not, and instead, start embracing where you are while you keep your eye on where you're going - now life becomes really,really, really fun.

--- Abraham Hicks

Moth and flame

We are all moths to some flame. Do we let the flame warm us? Knowing that one flight too close will send us crashing?

Is it better to let the heat fill your soul so passionately it burns? Or stay just far enough away that we are safe. But we never get to experience fire.

Are you there God? It's me Mrs. Welby.

Along with about 1,200 other dedicated Christians, I attended the aforementioned sunrise service on Easter. I was supposed to go with a friend but then she decided to ride with her neighbor and then "find me." Yea, right. In the dark? Among hundreds? I didn't even bring my phone.

So, in my usual style, I perceive this as a message from God. That I am being guided to go alone to this service. For some purpose.

My thoughts continue to carry themselves along the track of the crazy train and I work my way into an expectation of a MAJOR moment. Like I will see angels in the morning sky. Or meet a long lost friend. Or who knows what! At this moment, I am still awaiting THE THING.

If I read the Bible, I'm sure there are all kinds of stories about people who expect to hear from God and don't. I do remember plenty of Bible stories about people hiding from God when the message was loud and clear.

Fast forward one week....this same friend I missed at Old Salem now wants to try a new church. One I've been to before but can't seem to make it feel like home. But, I am head over heels for the Rector there. Today he gives his sermon about Thomas (you know, the Doubter) without a single page of notes in his hand, out in front, not behind a pulpit. [Side note, this Rector is my age, handsome, deeply engaging, and into all kinds of mystical theology and contemplative prayer. But the church is small, primitive and mostly full of old people. Bummer.]

He talks about what is required of us for faith. For Thomas, he had to touch the wounds. What do we require of ourselves to know or say we truly "believe."

And at this point I return to my expectation of Easter. Do I need some "sign" from God that seals the deal? I feel like I have small, everyday reminders of God's presence. That I don't need the wow factor to know that God is everywhere. But sometimes you look for a bit more.

I do believe in God in All Things. (Thank you St. Ignatius). So what's my "requirement"? Like Thomas. But God in all things is different than Jesus in all things. Or, particularly, Jesus as the only thing.

So here we are with my age old discussion point. Is Jesus the ONLY Son of God as we say in our Nicene Creed as our declaration? By uttering those words, we distinguish ourselves as believers. But if Jesus is the ONLY, where does that leave the other holy figures of other faith traditions? Can't there be other messengers of God who live and breathe as a human in order to teach us how to be more God-like in our human forms? Jesus just happens to be the most popular in the Western world? I honestly don't know.

I went to one of our Associate Rectors with this question soon after my Confirmation (as an adult I was reconfirmed/received into the Episcopal Church). I suddenly felt that perhaps I was in the wrong place. She assured me I was in the right place. But to say that Creed really bothered me and still does.

She pointed me in the direction of framing it with history and politics. And, in fact, if you look back at the original versions of the Creed, the word "only" does not appear. Between Popes and kings and a host of others, there have been many versions of this to come up with the official one.

As Father Lawrence asked today, what is my requirement for me to be able to say the word "only"? To say and profess this as my belief. But what Father Lawrence also said is that it is what we DO in addition to what we say. So how do we treat others? Ourselves? How do we make time to give thanks, to take action for good, to contemplate, to serve? Does the requirement come from within or without?

And then I'm completely dizzy to the point of exhaustion from spinning in circles because my head hurts and I can't think anymore. Thus I return to Thomas Merton's prayer:

"...the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing."

Is it me or is this whole thing insane? Am I following God through my thoughts and actions? Or do I have to profess by a Creed? Or all of it? And what would make me believe in the "only"?

Thank you Thomas, for being part of the Easter story. For being blessed by Jesus, even when your requirement was different than the others.

 

Unknown land, unknown path

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I have the luxury of living near Old Salem where I plan to attend a sunrise ceremony. I have no idea what to expect. On any old day, the sound of trumpets makes me cry. Put me in Old Salem, on Easter, at sunrise? I'm planning to bring a box of tissues.

The photo above was taken in God's Acre, the cemetary at Old Salem. Lots of cool, strange stuff on those headstones. I admire this one. We'd like to think we would all "go" with this attitude. I'm not really sure Jesus even went with this kind of peace of mind.

But that's supposed to be the lesson in this. Let go. Let God. Right?

How hard is that lesson to learn? So freakin hard!

I had intended to write more during Lent. To walk that labyrinth. To meditate. "If you want to make God laugh, make plans"--right? I'm not even going to church tomorrow! Yikes! Headed to hell for sure. I do think I've tried to be more thoughtful and actually prayed with actual words in my head. Words from the heart but also from books or other writings.

One of my favorites I picked up is by Thomas Merton. I love this prayer because of the first line. Total surrender. No pretenses.

And, maybe that's what allows the guy under the headstone to give his cheery wave. He has given in. Takes life as the gift it is meant to be. Cherishes the present moment. Learned the lesson.

Here's that prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.

 

Lenten Reflections

Lent officially began on Feb 22. It's a time of reflection, going inward. Also a time of deeping your committment to God. And, perhaps a time of temptation.

For me this year, it's been a bit of all of it. Lots of things from the outside hitting me inside. Trying to take time to be quiet. Just the last 10 days have been very powerful.

I went on a girls trip 10 days ago. We sang songs going down to SC. Laughed about the what if scenarios of three married ladies on the town. The weird thing is how many of those things actually presented themselves to us/me. A night of temptations, a day of rain and napping, another night of choices. But what happens there, stays there. Let's just say when you need a bloody mary on Sunday just to be able to survive the ride home, you know you've overstayed your welcome in Temptation City and need to high tail it home.

I arrived home to receive a stinging text from a friend. Someone who I admire and respect but the text was shocking. This too was a temptation to get fired up and lash back; because I did feel lashed out at. I simply deleted the text. I don't need that kind of drama in my life. I'm working too hard inside my own heart and inside my own marriage and home.

Luckily I did set aside 30 minutes at lunch to walk the labyrinth at church. This must happen again this week. If you don't know what a labyrinth is, you should learn. Go here: http://www.labyrinth.org.uk/. I had the luxury of walking it alone. I swear to you the stain glass window of Jesus moved and was watching me. Seriously.

I was also basically verbally attacked and threatened by a coworker. No need to relive the drama here. Just learning to set boundaries and try not to just feel sorry for her.

I did receive the gift of a connection from another friend. As if all the temptations were a test to see where honest friendship can live.

We've already established that I'm crazy. But I know this year's Lent is different. I feel more open to receiving any messages from God. And, perhaps, now that I'm 41 years old, I'm better able to listen and learn.

 

Teachers on the journey

I have a friend moving out of town. I will miss her very much although I really haven't seen her much lately. She's the kind of friend you don't need to be seen with all the time. But when you need her, you need her. Because she's the only one who will just listen. We understand when the other needs to go "underground" for a bit. And each is like a vault to the other's secrets.

So while my day to day won't be affected so much, my heart will. I fear we will lose touch. I know we will exchange Christmas cards for a while but then, who knows. I can't feel our future just yet. But for now, I feel a lost spot.

I think there are friends like this that are part of the journey. Stepping stones along the path. But maybe not ones who come along. Those who appear to us as teachers for some short lesson. A guest lecturer of sorts. Mirrors in our lives so we know ourselves better as a result of seeing their perspective or watching them go through something. The lesson is learned and the knowledge is retained. But the teacher doesn't come along for the long haul.

There are others who are like the stones in your pocket. Those who provide comfort like a worry stone. The ones who weather the storms with you, see you go off the deep end, but wait for you to come back. No matter how long it takes. With some of these friends, there will be a tug of war. You might need them more than they need you. Or vice versa.

Sometimes it's too much and you wish they hadn't created so much trouble. But they are always there as a different kind of teacher. And they may just save you from yourself. These are friends on a different wavelength. Maybe deeper, maybe just on a different frequency. They see you differently. You hear them differently. They become part of your soul.

And who knows, my departing friend may become one of these. I've been wrong before. But I love her for the lesson she taught me and send her off with hopes for a new path for herself. She deserves it.

Advent 4

Year Round Stewardship- 
Weekly Advent Readings
Advent 4

"Cleaning Up for Christmas"
 Lord, we welcome your word, even when you tell us what we are doing is wrong.     
 
We know what it's like to get cleaned up. As Christmas draws very near, it's time to clean up the house so everything will be in order for the celebration. Cleaning takes a little time and effort, but the result is well worth it.

God takes time, if we let him, to clean us from the inside out. Ask God to forgive you for your sins. Ask God to help you love those around you. Ask God to heal any hurts or sorrows you have. God is ready to create a new and clean heart within you.
 ~~~Taken from Wake Up to Joy by Mark Neilsen 

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“One great idea of the biblical revelation is that God is manifest in the ordinary, in the actual, in the daily, in the now, in the concrete incarnations of life, and not through purity codes and moral achievement contests, which are seldom achieved anyway… We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking… The most courageous thing we will ever do is to bear humbly the mystery of our own reality.”
― Richard Rohr

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“You can’t come to God by doing it right – you come to God by doing it wrong, otherwise, you don’t fall in love with God, you fall in love with yourself.”--Richard Rohr

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“Be grateful for your sins.  They are carriers of grace.”---Tony de Mello

Wisdom from the Power Deck

Grief deepens you. It allows you to explore the perimeters of your soul. Grief is the only gateway to certain levels of consicousness, and it is a hard task master.

Through grief you can explore every aspect of your dark side--anger, pain, abandonment, terror, loneliness; and these are aspects of the sacred wound that in our daily lives we usually try to ignore. Grief forces you to look at those parts of yourself that are not yet healed.

If you can look at grief as a teaching, you will grow. The pain of grief is not the only teacher in this life, but if looked at properly, with awareness and an open heart, it is one of the greatest teachers of all.

The seeds of wisdom and enlightenment are planted within the wounds of grief. What is lost can only come back to us again in higher ways.

 

Thanks Dorothy

.... if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard...

Dorothy, Kansas, 1939