Searching for Mrs. Welby

Advent 4

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Weekly Advent Readings
Advent 4

"Cleaning Up for Christmas"
 Lord, we welcome your word, even when you tell us what we are doing is wrong.     
 
We know what it's like to get cleaned up. As Christmas draws very near, it's time to clean up the house so everything will be in order for the celebration. Cleaning takes a little time and effort, but the result is well worth it.

God takes time, if we let him, to clean us from the inside out. Ask God to forgive you for your sins. Ask God to help you love those around you. Ask God to heal any hurts or sorrows you have. God is ready to create a new and clean heart within you.
 ~~~Taken from Wake Up to Joy by Mark Neilsen 

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“One great idea of the biblical revelation is that God is manifest in the ordinary, in the actual, in the daily, in the now, in the concrete incarnations of life, and not through purity codes and moral achievement contests, which are seldom achieved anyway… We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking… The most courageous thing we will ever do is to bear humbly the mystery of our own reality.”
― Richard Rohr

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“You can’t come to God by doing it right – you come to God by doing it wrong, otherwise, you don’t fall in love with God, you fall in love with yourself.”--Richard Rohr

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“Be grateful for your sins.  They are carriers of grace.”---Tony de Mello

Wisdom from the Power Deck

Grief deepens you. It allows you to explore the perimeters of your soul. Grief is the only gateway to certain levels of consicousness, and it is a hard task master.

Through grief you can explore every aspect of your dark side--anger, pain, abandonment, terror, loneliness; and these are aspects of the sacred wound that in our daily lives we usually try to ignore. Grief forces you to look at those parts of yourself that are not yet healed.

If you can look at grief as a teaching, you will grow. The pain of grief is not the only teacher in this life, but if looked at properly, with awareness and an open heart, it is one of the greatest teachers of all.

The seeds of wisdom and enlightenment are planted within the wounds of grief. What is lost can only come back to us again in higher ways.

 

Thanks Dorothy

.... if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard...

Dorothy, Kansas, 1939

Feelings follow behavior

Psychologists claim that feelings follow behavior. This is a lot of the basis of cognitive behavioral therapy. Think happy thoughts, the world is better. Sort of like choosing what kind of sunglasses to wear skiing: some make the snow and sky look rosy, some make it look like pee snow.

Is it really this easy to wake up and say goddamit I'm going to be happy. Change into the rose colored glasses? What's the point? Sometimes misery feels just fine. Like an old pair of faded jeans.

But there has to be more. Right? I'm strong. I should be able to do this. Cause I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and by golly people like me.

At a certain point, you just have to believe that change is possible. At least I'm talking myself into this and trying to live it. The "psychology major, biology minor, almost famous integrative health coach nurse" person inside of me can convince everyone else that this is true. Ah, yes, but to practice what we preach....

We "fire as we're wired" is another way to say this. Our neural pathways grow and deepen with practice. One reason why meditation is called a "practice." We are predispositioned with fight or flight as a survival mechanism. But relaxation is not this way, we must practice it. By practicing, we build and deepen our neurotransmitter-mediated responses. We can really learn to relax. With practice.

Neurotransmitters also help give us our feelings. Feelings follow behavior. Change the behavior. Fake it till ya make it. Practice gratitude. Practice kindness. Practice partnership. Practice forgiveness. Okay okay OKAY.

So, bottom line here is....duh. Duh. Duh. Followed by some whining and a few "but if only..." and "well I don't have time for that..." or "I would but I don't think [insert name of person involved] will so what's the point."

This might suck. For a while. I will whine. I will self aggrandize. I will be selfish and self-centered. I will pull away claiming self preservation and refusal to compromise. I've been so out of practice with partnership and reliance on another. My neurotransmitter pathways in that department have lost their juice.

Stay the course. Fire the unused wires. Fake it till we make it. Reconnect the pathways. Reconnect the dots. Reconnect. Reconnect.

 

Back at work

Oh dear lord, Mrs. Welby is back at work. Amazing that I actually have time to type this. But, in case there are any readers still hangin' on from back in the day, I thought I'd shout it out!

Dr. Arm is on call and MIA. Kids are coming down off of a Kool Aid/Lunchables rush in front of the TV. It is 7:13pm. Mrs. Welby has just cracked open Bud Light #2.

My home is a wreck. My car is trashed. The puppy has just chewed up one Dansko clog after chowing down a plate of chocolate chip cookies that was left a little too close to the edge of the counter. Will be pulling out the towels and steam vac in a few minutes.

However, the cleaning lady came today, dinner is being delivered, and the yard was mowed by team of (hopefully) legal U.S. Citizen men today.

Working Mama is gettin it done!

It's guuuuud to be back at work. And working with people I love. People who energize. It was insane to take the job. Really. No, really. But I've never claimed sanity or stability. (Long time readers are nodding.)

The paycheck is a fringe. The empowerment is a breath of fresh air. At 40 years old, I don't feel so Mother Truckin as before. But I'm alive. And, if I do say so myself, kickin' it. Fo' shizzle.

 

How do you know what is "right"? Does it feel good because it's a distraction? Are there really "no accidents"? Change is part of life. Do we look for it or avoid it? Or can we really make that distinction? And of course, what do we teach our children?

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

Rudder down

I can't say I planned it. I can't say for sure why it happened. But today was a feeling of my rudder finally being lowered. For so long, my little boat has gone where the wind blew, and I've been tring so hard to steer it. But there was always the feeling of being adrift at the whim of the wind. Or trying tooth and nail to fight the wind and current.

I've explored so many soul searching avenues. All have been worthwhile. But still something was missing. I had to keep pushing and pulling. I was so god awful busy with it too!!!

Too many metaphors would be terribly boring. And insulting.

But "rudder down" just seems to fit. I needed weight, heft, stability, and guidance. A rudder does not give a boat the direction on its own. However, it will keep you going straighter if you are trying to get somewhere. A rudder is heavy. It's solid. And although my sailing camp memories are weak, I think it may even serve as a floatation device in an emergency.

The funny thing is, I feel like the rudder was in the boat the whole time. Like I was too frantic to even find it. Much less fit it in the slot and guide it down. I was always looking up and out at the horizon.  Grabbing at ropes and trying to outsmart the wind. Too busy to notice a simple, ancient sailing tool. Nothing fancy. Just a piece of wood.

Perhaps it's just time. We've been in one place for over a year now. We belong. We have a community. How lucky we are.

Whatever it is, I am grateful. No more searching. Just accepting.

Life is good....is so cliche.

I am officially a cliche.

I am a 38 year old woman. I am overeducated and unemployed. I am overweight and understimulated.

I have 2 kids. I drive a minivan.

I do Pilates. I do yoga. I belong to the YMCA but never go. I just bought new running shoes. I am going to train for a 10K.

I just bought at least a dozen new age self help books. I also just bought a bunch of herbs and vitamins. I am going to the Omega Institute this month. My workshop is about seeking the meaning of life.

I clip coupons. I stash leftover grocery money in a savings account. I argue with the bank about fees. I bought Suze Orman's book. I went on the Suze Orman show. I was denied.

I dream of going to or on Oprah. I love Oprah. I love Oprah's book club.

I am in a book club. I love my book club. My book club loves wine. I used to love wine. White wine now causes a hangover with vomiting. I also love vodka. I love vodka with diet tonic.

Life is good.