Searching for Mrs. Welby

Life is good....is so cliche.

I am officially a cliche.

I am a 38 year old woman. I am overeducated and unemployed. I am overweight and understimulated.

I have 2 kids. I drive a minivan.

I do Pilates. I do yoga. I belong to the YMCA but never go. I just bought new running shoes. I am going to train for a 10K.

I just bought at least a dozen new age self help books. I also just bought a bunch of herbs and vitamins. I am going to the Omega Institute this month. My workshop is about seeking the meaning of life.

I clip coupons. I stash leftover grocery money in a savings account. I argue with the bank about fees. I bought Suze Orman's book. I went on the Suze Orman show. I was denied.

I dream of going to or on Oprah. I love Oprah. I love Oprah's book club.

I am in a book club. I love my book club. My book club loves wine. I used to love wine. White wine now causes a hangover with vomiting. I also love vodka. I love vodka with diet tonic.

Life is good.

Reflections of Marley & Me

[Forgive me friend (you know who you are), I just felt I needed to post this for others.]

 

An email I sent to a wonderful woman, was not myself but we are alike in many ways......

 

I watched Marley & Me last night. Not sure if you have seen/read it.

 

There is a part when they are on the beach and he says to Marley, "did you get everything you wanted?" The man is approaching his 40th birthday.

 

So for many reasons, the movie brought up lots of "issues." But I'm trying to think of them as opportunities.

 

We are on the fence about trying for baby #3.

 

My thoughts are I am too tired. I intellectualize by thinking of the genetic risks. I think about when am I getting my "real life" back.

 

But then I think there has never been a time when I felt more powerless but came out of it knowing exactly who I am and how powerful I am. I fear very little now.

 

There has never been a moment where I questioned or doubted my relationship between myself and my child. I  have never been able to give so willingly of myself to another human. Untrue of most other relationships with adults.

 

I thought of you when these issues came up. Not to over analyze and put something on you that may not be true but these are my thoughts....

 

You like being in control. You define yourself by what you say and do. This is intellectually driven. Sometimes it is hard for you to be guided entirely by your heart when it comes to a relationship with another person. You don't want to ever end up lost or dependent on someone else. So, flip these around....

 

Pregnancy and parenting force you to take what comes, you have no control. You are no longer defined by your external actions in the public eye. In fact, you may lose all external validation for a period of time. You become emotionally driven. You can intellectualize all you want but parenting comes from somewhere else. The books will never tell you what is the best thing for you and your child, the professionals can only help so much. You will be lost, many times. Someone is completely dependent on you for about 2 years.

 

In sum, becoming a parent forces you to face those things you may have spent the last 39 years building up very effective coping mechanisms against.

 

You are a highly functional woman and will live a wonderful life no matter what happens to you.

 

If you decide to become a mother, it will change your course forever.

 

This does not change it for the worse. It's just a foreign place. It's just scary. It takes your breath away and can rip your heart out.

 

But, as with anything I've ever seen you do, or known you to do, you pick yourself up. You look inside. You say Godammit I CAN do this. And, a whole new world may open to you. And you will love yourself.

5:24pm Thursday

As I look back to 3:33pm Tuesday, I am compelled to search my bathroom. Searching for whatever substance, most certainly illegal, could have induced such domestic delirium. Who was that psycho Pollyanna bitch?

Because, now, at 5:24pm Thursday, I sit in my kitchen. I sit here because I am NOT on an airplane to Nashville with Dr. Arm. I sit here because my 2 year old has a fever and my in-laws did a U-turn on I-95 when they heard about it. Just when you think you can escape.

Okay, the fever was 103, and it has been vacillating between 99 and 101, off and on, for the last 10 days. But we all know how these things are, he'll probably be completely well by tomorrow. My in-laws are weak. I am stocked with Tylenol and Motrin. Keep it flowin' and he'll be tolerable. Love of grandchildren should rise above minor viral infections right?

Friday in Nashville, the day I will not have. The day that was supposed to consist of kick ass yoga with my most bootylicious yoga dude of days gone by. Yoga, followed by a facial and a pedicure. Then, shopping and lunch with old friends. This, followed by NOTHING. No schedule, no carpool, no naptimes, nothing and no one for 3 hours.

Bottom line here:  parenthood. You get pregnant and deliver a baby, you're on your own. He or she is YOURS. Yet it takes so many lessons to learn this. As loud as the whining is in my head about not going, there is a louder voice screaming "GROW UP SUCKA." (Funny, that same voice sometimes speaks out loud and screams the same friggin thing to Dr. Arm.)

I've got to grow up. Suck it up. This is life. I am a whiner. A very spoiled whiner. A whiner with two mini-whiners in the other room eating leftover pizza and watching Bolt. (Yes at the SAME time, need you wonder? I put towels down so they wouldn't ruin the new rug, 'KAY???!!!!???)

A whiner, who, just prior to writing this, decided it was 5:20pm, time to open a very nice Cabernet. That should complement the leftover leftover pizza (you know, the scraps the kids didn't eat)?

Yea. Pretty close to how it would have complemented my filet at The Palm steakhouse in downtown Nashville.

Oh crap, there's the voice again.

3:33pm Tuesday

My mom's lucky number is 3. As I sat in front of the laptop, I took that as a sign to begin typing.

What prompted me to write is that I actually made up a recipe today. Yes, from scratch, from things in my fridge/pantry. And it tastes good! And I've done 2 loads of laundry and put clean sheets on the bed. And I found a new recipe for curried cauliflower and chickpeas that I'm excited to make.

And......I'm happy about it. I feel like Martha would welcome me to lunch with her and sip iced tea on her patio.

Does it really take this long for someone to get used to being At Home? And to like it?

Seriously, for years I've looked at friends and thought they were crazy, drugged, or had so much money they just didn't care that they weren't "working." I could not figure out why they enjoyed themselves. (Now, mind you they were also past the toddler stage in parenting.) Every time I was "at home" I was thinking about how much it sucked, how I got no credit for all the shit I did, why it was depressing to wear jeans and sweats every day, mourn the loss of my clothes in the dry cleaning pile, and what my next move was to get my real career going.

Yes, I've gone soft. I've caved. All my education just decorating the wall of our playroom.

But at least for today, I feel in front of the 8 ball, I feel rewarded for all the shit I do around here. Like maybe all I needed is just to be proud of doing a good job on just a few things, not the most supercalifragilisticexpialidocious job on every single thing on my radar.

Oh good....now would you look at that.... I only have 68 minutes until happy hour.

A gift from Mrs. Arm

Mrs. Arm (Dr. Arm's mother) fancies herself a Crafty Lady. She loves mauve and lace, glue guns and glitter. She plants plastic flowers in her yard, outside. She hangs bird feeders with fake birds, inside.

She recently sent me a box with this inside:

 

   

 

If there was a way I could post a smell, I would. But I'll describe it as the aroma of pure toluene. Enough toxic fumes to make my eyes water. It's a miracle Mrs. Arm is still conscious after this craft frenzy.

Obviously, she'll expect to see these, all 42 of them, on our tree next week. 

What would you do?

What would Jesus do?

What am I going to do?

Free housecleaning

I may have found a cheap and easy way to keep your house clean: Crows

My son dropped some popcorn outside my back door the other day. When I came home (cause you know I left it there) there had to be 5 crows on the stoop. Freaky, yes, almost Hitchcock-ian, but I'll be damned if the stoop wasn't spotless.

What if I kept some in a cage? I could just let them out when I go to the store. Then let the dog herd them back in the cage.

Imagine the crumb-feast they would have! My kitchen floor would shine! I may never have to use the furniture attachment on the vacuum again!

If I find out these birds sleep if kept shrouded in darkness, I just know I'm on to something.

Note to Self, Re: Preschool Thanksgiving

Dear Self,

Perhaps you need a gentle reminder of a few things:

• You struggle with food shopping

• You struggle with food preparation

• You have an insane desire to make a good impression

• Your mother annoys you

• Your mother is a far better cook than you

Based on those issues, please file this away in your 2009 October file. Do not volunteer to cook the preschool Thanksgiving turkey. Do not volunteer to be a class parent. Do not invite your mother to any related events.

Extend warm invitations to any events where your child may perform (as long as he is wearing a grandmother-sanctioned outfit), may have something on display, or be receiving an award.

Your idea that it would be "fun"  to cook the turkey, invite extended family, haul said people and food to a preschool where you have to bring it hot and bring the carving utensils was simply false.

Now, hit print, fold, tuck into 2009 planner. NOW.

Just trying to keep you sane,

Mrs. Welby

So do I have 5 years to go or 8?

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/the_existential_crisis_of_the_wait_at_home_mom/page1

"Staff had received inadequate preparation for their new responsibilities"

In my old job I used to edit consulting reports and root cause analyses for hospitals seeking to improve or fix medication safety issues. Inevitably if there was a problem or incident, one of the contributing factors was lack of staff preparedness.

In my old job, we looked at broken or failing systems and tried to dig to the root causes so we could adapt the system.

So as I drive along the interstate today, barely recovered from one of the worst nights in sleep history for my boys, I begin to think.

Uh oh.

What are the root causes of our family system issues? Well, for sure we have a lack of redundancy (i.e., no back up system/person) in many systems around here. I'm sure regular readers are tired of me beating that drum so I'll focus in other areas.

Was I prepared to become a wife and mother? Honestly, apart from the ovaries and mammaries?

It would appear, looking back, I was not. I was put in math and science classes, foreign language classes. I went to a feminist boarding school where I worked on Capitol Hill. I have 2 bachelors and a masters. It would appear the expectation was for me to live in a big big world doing big big things.

Additionally, my parents divorced when I was 13. Lots of chaos and convenience food around our home.

I seem to lack any textbooks or life experiences that might lend a hand when it comes to nutritious meal planning, stain removal, or efficient pantry stocking.

And so I am no good at this. I was not prepared. Organic chemistry and health care policy really don't tie into the home arts so directly.

Is it any wonder Martha Stewart has made millions? There is a whole generation of us out there. Women who want to be just as successful in the kitchen as they are in the conference room. We are readers, thinkers, possibly over thinkers. We can DO. But we also thrive on results and success, orderliness and schedules, reason and thinking. Not the kind of thing baby humans attain until about age 9 or 10.

And as I ponder a PhD in human factors engineering, I wonder if I really just need a 7th grade home ec text book and the quizzes that go along with it.

You see....I couldn't just say I wanted the book. I had to ask for the quizzes too. Gotta know where I stand, get my grade.

Obviously the staff here was not prepared for this role.

Apology Haiku

Work email not cut off

Paranoid low self esteem

Just some IT shit