Tony Kornheiser & Mike Wilbon
c/o PTI
ESPN Studios
Bristol, CT
Dear Tony and Mike,
First, let me say I love your show. And what mom wouldn't? In half an hour, you zip through the most important sports topics of the day. Not too much, just two minutes (use of a timer always popular with moms when disciplining children) for each topic. It's like a bitch-fest slamming people for doing stupid things, praising people when they've done something good, general keeping up with current events, and giving a woman something to talk about with her male partner. Much like a group of women discussing celebrity gossip. Plus, at the end we get to look at Tony Reali who is pretty damn hot.
However, I write to you about a potential legal scandal. This concerns my suspected failure of you both to disclose your financial interests in either TiVo, Time Warner, or Comcast. As much as I enjoy your show, the time at which it broadcasts is THE WORST for moms. As one of ESPN's commercials has said, "Six o'clock is dinner time." It is also known as THE WITCHING HOUR in most homes with children. I am simply unable to watch.
When my husband is home to watch the show, he cannot resist. Thus it causes the following cascade of events: a great deal of crying from the children who are now pushed out of the TV room (they were in there glued to Nick Jr which facilitates dinner preparation), children moving into the kitchen and bringing toys with them, mother unable to speak to children or friend on the telephone due to volume of crying, mother unable to communicate with husband due to hypnotism by PTI, mother injures self as she trips on toys strewn on kitchen floor, yelling from mother, increase in TV volume from husband, burning of dinner due to overwhelming distraction, increase in anger and resentment from mother towards husband, thus, in turn, eventually leading to the destruction of the sex life of the couple. Okay, I digress.
The only solution anyone seems to have discovered is TiVo or DVR technology. (A special shout out to my good friend "Judge K" [accomplished lawyer, great friend, mother of 3 boys, wife to Dr. Heart, labrador rescuer].) This could restore peace, love, and sex to all families in America.
Thus I suspect either you two or ESPN has significant financial ties to this technology. The popularity of your show forces families all over America to purchase the technology. You have created a market force and thus I presume have something to gain from it.
I hope you will be able to deny this and calm my suspicions. If it helps, I've defended Tony among his recent criticism of his performance on Monday Night Football. Everyone needs a little bit of "in your face New Yorker" right?
I am also open to accepting any consulting fees offered by the advertising companies for TiVo, Time Warner or Comcast for giving them another sales pitch for their services.
Your fan and concerned wife and mother,
Mrs. Welby